


Restless

by whambat



Category: Persona 4
Genre: Hurt/Comfort, Intrusive Thoughts, M/M, Nonbinary Character, Trans Character, protag syndrome, specifically thoughts of harm/violence towards others, yu's got some unprocessed baggage to deal with
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-07-05
Updated: 2019-07-05
Packaged: 2020-06-15 02:19:12
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,083
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19601365
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/whambat/pseuds/whambat
Summary: There was nothing to do, nowhere to be, no obligations to attend to, and Yu had become quickly, desperately, bored.A day in the life of Yu Narukami as a young adult. They like to keep busy– maybe too busy to have to confront a part of themself they never faced on the other side of the TV?





	Restless

Yu Narukami supposed they were what you could call restless. It wasn't that they were anxious, really, just that they had better, more interesting things to do than rest. It was just a force of habit that they had every moment of every day meticulously filled with something to do, stacked to the brim with tasks that required their energy and attention. They weren't wearing themself thin. They liked being busy. It was fulfilling. Stimulating.

Today had been par for the course. Wake up bright and early, put down food for the cats, prepare a quick breakfast and be out the door by 6 am for a morning run. Feel the rush of the wind on their face, the morning dew keeping the air from burning cold and dry in their lungs. Come home and shower, then shuffle quietly around the apartment tidying up, careful not to wake Yosuke before his alarm. Sit on the couch, turn on the tv and check on what little social media they kept up with. Pet the cats if they were in the mood. Usually at least a few of them were. This morning Udon and Tama had made a point of snuggling up against their hip until Yosuke came sleepily out of the bedroom and his yawn startled the cats into seeking their dad's affections instead. Yu had used the opportunity to get up and put together a lunch for their husband. Give him a kiss and some coffee along with lovingly packaged leftovers as he left for work.

Head out again, this time for their shift at the local daycare. Get pulled in fifteen different directions by the kids too young for grade school. Laugh at how cute they all were. Think, not for the first time, about wanting kids of their own, and push the thought down because they and Yosuke were still too young to consider that. They’d never had the guts to bring it up. Leave work thinking about how short those six hour shifts were. Grab a snack and some groceries, balancing big paper bags in their large arms on the walk back home. Unload groceries, feed the cats again and start making dinner for themself and Yosuke. Check their phone and see a message from an hour before.

> Corporate visit tomorrow and too many ppl called out. Staying to help get things ready, won’t be home until late tonight :( 

Oh. Well, that was unfortunate, but Yu could handle this. Yosuke’s dinner would go on a plate in the microwave for when he got home, and Yu would find something else to do until then. They played with the cats, waving a laser pointer around for Hama while dangling a felt mouse on a string in front of Mudo. Tama and Udon watched from their perch atop a bookshelf, their eyes flitting between Yu and the commotion of their fluffy siblings. After a while, each of the cats were either worn out or had lost interest, and Yu turned their attention back to their phone.

It was only 9 pm. There was nothing left to do around the house– they’d tidied up too well this morning– and it seemed unfair to leave for another jog when Yosuke might be coming home soon. He hadn’t specified how late “late” meant. So they sat, bouncing their leg while something sank in the pit of their stomach. There was nothing to do, nowhere to be, no obligations to attend to, and Yu had become quickly, desperately, bored.

Their eyes glanced over the whole of their small apartment, looking rapidly around but finding nothing to catch their attention. Every thought was a slick surface with no footholds for their brain to cling to. In lieu of stimulation their head filled with a steady stream of  _ what to do what to do what to do what to do? _ The question felt like it would explode out of their brain without an answer. Activity would help, probably? They stood up and began pacing. Kitchen, living room, bedroom, bathroom, looped again with no relief. They threw open the door to the front closet for good measure.

Their old swords were in there, and that was something. A memory to cling to, their sophomore year in high school, days of activity and meaning and  _ purpose,  _ nights spent either in careful vigil, or in a satisfied exhaustion. The feeling of their sword cleaving through number upon number of shadows, heavy and tactile against flesh that resisted the motion until the blade came through the other side. The high of adrenaline and victory, the singular and unique satisfaction that Yu was alive and that their opponent was very decidedly not. Nothing else had ever come close.

This was the reason that the swords stayed put away in the closet. Yu suddenly felt sick. The memories of aggression, the desire for it, were bubbling up to the surface, and if they didn’t find release through the end of a sword they might well come out from Yu’s stomach instead. They shrank back from the closet, sinking to the floor and holding themself too tight, holding in the tumult that threatened to push sickeningly, joyously outward. 

They would ride it out. They had to. There was nowhere to direct that energy anymore. They'd tried, certainly, to channel these feelings into safer activities. Exercise helped, but it wasn't the same. Yu had tried a kendo class, but only once. They didn't have the technique for it. Their swings were too wild, too eager, and the dull smack of a practice sword against a plush target was both too close to and woefully far from the sensation they needed. Their fellow classmates, on the other hand… Yu hadn't been back.

That was when it was at its worst, when they could pinpoint a target. When they couldn't stop thinking about how  _ easily _ they could clock someone across the face or run through them like they'd done ad infinitum to the shadows that stood in their way. It had been the kendo students once, but more frequently it was someone closer. A coworker at the daycare, the cats,  _ Yosuke.  _ They would talk themself out of it, but the possibility lingered, an obsessive reminder that they  _ could _ .

_ “I could do it, that's all. And it was fun… I guess that's my reason?” _

And for  _ what?  _ Just because they were  _ bored? _ Were they really so broken that they couldn’t handle a moment of calm without wanting to tear it to shreds, destroying everything they loved in the process? The fact that they kept having these episodes suggested that, yes, they were. The realization wasn’t new by any means, but it hit fresh every time. As much as they kept busy, they would always be forced up against the empty walls of their own existence eventually. 

_ “You'll be faced with the boring reality that boxes you in, no matter where you go.” _

That was it, wasn't it? Years later Adachi's words still rattled around in Yu's hollow chest, somehow finding something to snag on among the emptiness. Their friends had plenty to say to refute him, but Yu had stood there in silence, staring slack-jawed and hoping their friends couldn't see the mirror in front of Yu for what it was. It had taken a while, but they were there now, bored shitless and desperate to do something,  _ anything,  _ to bring some excitement back to the pointless life they were stuck with. Just like him just like him just like him just like him just li--

The front door clicked and opened slowly. Yosuke came in quietly and slipped off his shoes in the entryway, before calling out with a gentle “Hey, I'm home.” He seemed tired and inattentive, not bothering to take in his surroundings until he nearly tripped over Yu, still curled tightly on the floor.

_ “Crap,”  _ he whispered. Yosuke knelt down and tried to roll Yu upright, but they jerked away.

“Don't touch me.  _ Please. _ ”

“I- okay.” Yosuke started to sit down, but noticed the open closet door. Gingerly he stretched his arm out to push it shut, before sitting down on the floor next to them. “I'm here for you, partner.”

Yu took a few sharp breaths, eyes closed tight. Eventually they sat up, still wrapping their arms around themself, but loosely. Yosuke could see little crescent moons indented on the skin where Yu's fingernails had dug in. They gave Yosuke a pained glance and looked down at their lap quickly, unable to keep eye contact.

“Hey,” Yosuke leaned in closer, resting his arm behind their back, but left space between the two of them. “Whatever’s going on, you can tell me. We're in this together, y'know?”

“Mmmnn,” Yu groaned. After a moment they leaned back against Yosuke's arm, settling their head against his shoulder. He adjusted against Yu's weight and wrapped his arm gently around the small of their back. They sat like that for a while, quiet, fragile.

“What time is it?”

“Almost midnight, I think? I got home around 11:30.” He saw Yu scrunch their eyebrows together and look down again, frustrated, or perhaps embarrassed. “Do you want to get off the floor?”

“Yeah.” Yu stood up slowly. Their legs had fallen asleep in the apparent hours since they'd sat down, and they fought the urge to physically shake out the static buzzing in their lower body. The two of them made their way to the couch. “Thanks,” they said under their breath.

Yosuke shifted in his seat to face Yu. “I understand if you still need some time, but you have to tell me what's going on at some point. I can't keep coming home to you like this with no clue what's wrong. It scares the shit out of me.”

“Sorry…” Yu was scaring him. Of course they were. They hunched over, bringing their hands close to their chest and trying to be small. “I don't want to be scary.”

“You idiot,” Yosuke sighed. “I’m not scared  _ of  _ you, I'm scared  _ for  _ you.” Yu looked at him with confusion. Gently, Yosuke reached for Yu's hand. When they didn't pull away, he held it between his own palms. “I don't like thinking about you facing something this hard all alone. You don't have to,” he said, giving their hand a gentle squeeze.

“I… I don't know what to do with myself.” 

“Mhm?” Yosuke’s tone was patient, but it was clear that he expected more of an answer.

Yu swallowed hard. It was difficult enough just talking about themself at all, but to subject Yosuke to the storm inside of them? That would be too cruel, wouldn't it?

No, if Yosuke was asking, it meant he wanted to know. He deserved to know. If he saw what was under that mask and ran screaming, well, that would be fair enough.

“I run out of things to do and I get… bored. I get so bored it hurts and it- it doesn't feel like there's meaning in anything at all. And then I guess… a part of me gets desperate to do something,  _ anything,  _ to feel stimulated. Even something awful. Even something evil.”

Yosuke was quiet for a moment, looking down at Yu's hand still in his. He gave it a gentle squeeze. “I know it's not exactly the same thing, but I understand the impulse to do something stupid or self-destructive because you're bored.”

“You do… ?”

“I don't know how much you remember about when we fought my shadow. I didn't want to admit that the only reason I jumped into that TV with you was because I had literally nothing better to do. There was nothing noble or heroic about me jumping in there and risking my life that first time. I was just a bored, stupid kid, desperate for an excuse to spend time with people. And I  _ hated  _ confronting that side of myself, but you helped me do it. You saw a part of me I was scared to let anyone see, and you didn't look away. I want to do the same for you.”

“You're right,” Yu said, pulling their hand away. “It's not the same thing. You don't want to see this. You shouldn't have to.”

“I said I  _ do _ . What are you trying to protect me from?”

Yu looked Yosuke in the eye for the first time that night, a tearful and desperate look on their face. “From  _ me. _ I don't want to hurt you.”

“It hurts knowing you're holding something in all by yourself. If we-”

“That's not what I mean.” Yu squeezed their eyes shut tight and exhaled sharply, a kind of sob. “I mean… physically.”

“I… oh.” That shut him up. He'd been leaning towards Yu in concern a moment ago, but now he sat up straight. A subtle retreat. Yosuke looked at his partner hunched over themself on the couch, trying to reconcile the words they'd said with the person he knew. Yu, who broke up fights at the daycare and then worried they'd been too forceful, who nearly cried from guilt when they stepped on one of their cats' tails, who had asked on more than one occasion whether their  _ hugs _ were too tight, who constantly checked to make sure Yosuke had eaten and rested and was in a good mood, wanted to hurt him? It didn't make sense.

The silence clung tight around them as he thought, and Yosuke felt he had to break it before it broke both of them. "Are you mad at me?"

"No. Not at all." Those words came out freely, as if Yu was relieved to answer an easier question. The rest seemed to present more of a struggle. "It's not about you, or… not you specifically. It doesn't matter  _ who _ it is. Which is probably worse."

Maybe it felt worse to Yu, but it was a relief for Yosuke to know he wasn't part of the problem. He took a moment to plan out what to say next. “That's what you meant by ‘something evil?’ Thinking about hurting people?"

Yu nodded.

"So why haven't you?"

They jerked their head up, surprised and evidently offended. "I can't do that! I couldn't live with myself if I did!"

"Well, there you go." Yosuke slouched back on the couch, tilting his head up to look at the ceiling. Deliberately comfortable.

"But!" Yu stammered. They were awful, despicable, dangerous. Why wasn't Yosuke getting this? "It's this…  _ need _ almost, to do something. To destroy something. And once I start thinking about it, I can't  _ stop _ ."

“And then you end up crying on the floor trying to hold it in, yeah?" Yu nodded. "That's not evil. This happens a lot, right? The fact that you still haven't done anything, and the fact that it upsets you this bad when it happens means you don't actually  _ want  _ to do any of it.”

“A good person wouldn't fantasize about violence in the first place," they argued.

“What you described doesn't sound like fantasizing. It sounds like intrusive thoughts.”

Yu straightened up in their seat and wiped their eyes. After a few deep breaths they seemed more composed, if only a little. “They're still my thoughts, though… it's still me, isn't it? I don't know how to be okay with that."

"You don't have to be okay with it. I had to accept the bored, selfish kid I was back in high school, but that didn't mean I  _ liked  _ it. That's not what facing yourself is about. It's acknowledging a part of yourself you don't like, not resigning yourself to stay that way. It's a starting point for change. And no one makes that change all alone. I had the team and the mission motivating me to be better. I had you. You have me."

Yu didn't respond verbally, but gradually their breathing became more even, their posture less tense. Contemplative, but more importantly, calm. When it seemed clear they weren't going to say anything, Yosuke continued.

“I'm gonna say something and it's gonna make me sound like an asshole-”

“Oh, just like in high school.” Yu's voice was deadpan. Back to their usual flat inflection.

Yosuke snorted a laugh. “Seems like you're feeling better already.” His partner smiled, pleased at eliciting a laugh. “Anyway this might sound weird but I promise I’m going somewhere with it.”

“Okay.” Yu rolled their neck and shoulders before stretching out on the couch, leaning their head on Yosuke's shoulder to listen.

“I used to think you were perfect, that first year we met. ‘cuz you just showed up out of nowhere and started taking action, and from the outside it just looked like it was all easy for you. Everyone else had to face down their inner demons to get their powers. You didn't, and for a while I thought it meant you didn't have any.”

“I wish.”

“I think, maybe, that wasn't fair to you. Maybe it would've been a good thing to face part of yourself in there. It's tougher out here. We can't just shoot magic at our repressed emotions until they're dealt with anymore.”

“Which sucks because we were really good at that.”

“We were! We made a good team. We still do. Right, partner?” Yosuke gave Yu one of the cute little winks he'd given them countless times in high school, back when he was oblivious to the effect it had on Yu's poor young heart. By this point, though, he knew exactly what he was doing.

Yu pressed their face up against his shoulder to hide their sappy smile. How embarrassing. “Right.”

“And as partners, we're gonna fight our battles together, magic powers or not. Okay?”

“Okay.” 

They stayed like that for a while, both of them beginning to nod off in the late hour.

"Hey Yosuke?"

"Hhhhyeah?" He yawned.

"Thanks for everything. I love you."

"Love you too. Obviously." He shifted to give Yu a quick kiss on the head. "You wanna go to bed?"

"Mhm."

The two of them migrated to the bedroom and collapsed almost immediately on the mattress. They settled into place, Yosuke's back pressed against Yu's side with a comforting pressure.

Normally, Yu was what you could call restless, seeking constant activity and avoiding downtime at any cost. But now, glancing lazily at their partner, feeling the gentle rhythm of his breathing and the warmth of his body next to theirs, there was nothing Yu would rather do than indulge in a much-needed rest.

**Author's Note:**

> This takes place a few years after the events of p4. Yu and Yosuke have a small apartment together. Yosuke manages a newer Junes location. They're very in love. Comments welcome/appreciated!


End file.
